Mothers perspective

Confused Indian Hubby Post # 2 :  Trying to understand Mom's perspective

I have been married for more than 8 years now. And in these 8 years, I have heard my Mom say "जैसे ही बेटे की शादी हुई, उसे निकालो घर से " meaning, as soon as married, son moves out of parents home was the best philosophy". And I feel that wasn't said in the best intentions, but with a sarcasm, mainly because I think she didn't know what actually it means, but she has seen this happening in many places and homes, which she knows about and may be there the relations between the MIL & DIL are working out good.

As I was just a few days ago thinking about it, I felt this might be the right thing to do, if done with the right intention and perspective. The one perspective which I felt I could hear in my house was kind of destructive, which even if not said, meant, as soon as the DIL came in, she could not keep the house together and the house got broken. As son and DIL now start living separately.

Although, when my Mom says this thing, she says it from the perspective of MIL, that she did this and moved their son-bahu out to their own space. I believe the sasu ma's, who do that are very intelligent.

Just like the bahu, who came into a new house after spending her own life in her own manner for 22 or 27 years and has to learn the new ways of her hubby's house, mannerisms, moods and behaviors and everything else. Similarly, the house till was being ruled by Mom. She would do everything from early morning wake up, tea, breakfast, clean up, lunch, maid management, what to buy and what is good for health and what should be stocked at home always, when to wash clothes and how to wash clothes, etc etc. All those things actually.

Now that bahu is also at home, after a few days, she would want to contribute to the house, so she will start doing some things, be it cleaning the dining table after lunch/dinner, preparing tea sometimes, starting to help while preparing lunch or dinner. What happens, this is the most difficult time I feel, when all the things bahu is doing are definitely being done in a different manner than she herself used to do, the problem starts when she starts thinking that her was the right way and the new way is wrong. And it might be wrong or it might be right, is not important. But the feeling, which starts with each passing day and each passing time bahu tries to do anything, be it the manner of bringing snacks with the evening tea, or telling the maid to do things in a better manner or even washing clothes and putting them to dry on the clothes line, how much ghee on paranthas, bargaining with subjiwala or may be not bargaining at all, which clothes to give to the presswali and which ones should not be, etc etc.

And as the bahu is new in house, saas does not want to put her or the son off by pointing out mistakes, she never says any thing. But these things keep on registering in her mind. And it also makes Saas thinks that she has kept quiet to maintain peace at home and thus has endured or sufferred so many wrongs in her house just to make sure beta-bahu khush rahein. Bahu will slowly keep on doing things in her own manner.

So, this "शादी होते ही बेटे-बहु को घर से निकालो" means they shift to their own pad somewhere is actually a very important thing for both saas and the bahu. As there are no coaching classes to teach either saas or the bahu, how to accept change and that too of such magnitude, the living outside is such a boon from day one, that it tells both of them the importance of each other very much. When bahu-beta come to parents home, have fun and laughter, bahu asks Mom for whatever help she could do at that time, they have good time, small little chit chats and then go back home. Or when parents come to beta house, she can see how bahu is managing things and learning things. She would remember, that she learned the same way and that she is what she is now, after these many years. And she wasn't this way when she came just after marriage.

Right or wrong, this is my interpretation of this perspective. I learn t it very late in life. And I think families, who can afford and take this decision from this perspective are very intelligent and I have huge respect now for those families and their brave decision. Hats off to them.....

Who am I

Confused Hubby Post #1 : Who am I

I am the eldest son born in a North Indian family, in early 80’s. So, in 2015, you can imagine, am the typical middle aged Indian male, dying my hair thinking nobody knows, have a with family(wife, kids, siblings,parents), a good job, many  aspirations, some frustrations, some successes and some failures. I work to make my family happy as much as possible, though don’t succeed in that many times and sometimes I think I don’t succeed.

But the thing that’s bothering me most from last few months, or may be a couple years is, that my wife and my mom have not been in talking terms. And this has been long now and it has eaten my brains out. I think have tried every means in my limited mind capacity and am still trying some, but I want to concede in this, that I failed here, in this front. I have no more brilliant ideas that I initially had and a feeling that nothing can be done is sinking in very fast within me. As of now, I don’t know what to do.

My paternal family thinks I am a typical and almost “Joru ka Gulaam”, wife pleaser, who would never see a fault in his wife and would see all faults only in them. My Mom thinks my wife has huge ego, is very materialistic and many more other issues. My siblings of course are in sync with my Mom. My wife thinks my family has issues, of impractical thinking and not knowing actually what they want, issues that they just don’t know of and she thinks that I should tell them where they are wrong. She has in her mind that I didn’t provide the support to her in the arguments or situations she has been into earlier. That was more than couple years ago though.

What do I think – Might sound strange, but I think if either of them thinks of life’s blessings and all the things we have and how fortunate we are to have those things, they would know the frugality of the arguments and old thoughts, words and grudges they are carrying in their mind. And if either one can drop the ego, could take the initiative and hold onto it, she will resolve this once and for all.

But I haven’t been able to convey this appropriately in many years now. Of course I have tried to convey more to my wife as we live away from my parents and only meet very rarely now. But the fact is, this is something which is always there at the back of my mind and it never lets me be the happy and peaceful person I want to be. I have started feeling that this permanent thought and non resolution of issues, unhappiness within my heart is making me age faster. I don’t want to live with this feeling all my life and don’t want to die with it. And right now, I really don’t know what to do.

I am starting to write this blog, as there are things I haven’t been able to share with anyone in my life. I have family & friends, colleagues in office and a lot of facebook/whatsapp friends on phone, school and college buddies, all are there. Still, this blog is what I felt is the medium, where I want to pour myself completely, bare all my thoughts and mind entanglements. This is a way for me to free myself, may be find closure to the questions in my mind, that I have never asked anyone, never tried to find answers to those within myself or from anyone.

I am just hoping this would just act as a way for me to open up in an anonymous manner.