Who am I

Confused Hubby Post #1 : Who am I

I am the eldest son born in a North Indian family, in early 80’s. So, in 2015, you can imagine, am the typical middle aged Indian male, dying my hair thinking nobody knows, have a with family(wife, kids, siblings,parents), a good job, many  aspirations, some frustrations, some successes and some failures. I work to make my family happy as much as possible, though don’t succeed in that many times and sometimes I think I don’t succeed.

But the thing that’s bothering me most from last few months, or may be a couple years is, that my wife and my mom have not been in talking terms. And this has been long now and it has eaten my brains out. I think have tried every means in my limited mind capacity and am still trying some, but I want to concede in this, that I failed here, in this front. I have no more brilliant ideas that I initially had and a feeling that nothing can be done is sinking in very fast within me. As of now, I don’t know what to do.

My paternal family thinks I am a typical and almost “Joru ka Gulaam”, wife pleaser, who would never see a fault in his wife and would see all faults only in them. My Mom thinks my wife has huge ego, is very materialistic and many more other issues. My siblings of course are in sync with my Mom. My wife thinks my family has issues, of impractical thinking and not knowing actually what they want, issues that they just don’t know of and she thinks that I should tell them where they are wrong. She has in her mind that I didn’t provide the support to her in the arguments or situations she has been into earlier. That was more than couple years ago though.

What do I think – Might sound strange, but I think if either of them thinks of life’s blessings and all the things we have and how fortunate we are to have those things, they would know the frugality of the arguments and old thoughts, words and grudges they are carrying in their mind. And if either one can drop the ego, could take the initiative and hold onto it, she will resolve this once and for all.

But I haven’t been able to convey this appropriately in many years now. Of course I have tried to convey more to my wife as we live away from my parents and only meet very rarely now. But the fact is, this is something which is always there at the back of my mind and it never lets me be the happy and peaceful person I want to be. I have started feeling that this permanent thought and non resolution of issues, unhappiness within my heart is making me age faster. I don’t want to live with this feeling all my life and don’t want to die with it. And right now, I really don’t know what to do.

I am starting to write this blog, as there are things I haven’t been able to share with anyone in my life. I have family & friends, colleagues in office and a lot of facebook/whatsapp friends on phone, school and college buddies, all are there. Still, this blog is what I felt is the medium, where I want to pour myself completely, bare all my thoughts and mind entanglements. This is a way for me to free myself, may be find closure to the questions in my mind, that I have never asked anyone, never tried to find answers to those within myself or from anyone.

I am just hoping this would just act as a way for me to open up in an anonymous manner.